Monday, October 23, 2006

The dangers of electric corkscrews and Brazilian racetracks

I blame (or maybe credit?) Ziggi and Vicus for inducing a chronic case of smutmongery in myself.

Point in case, while trying to lay out an impromptu 'hunting page,' I stumbled across this tidbit from the Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries website:

"Peak gobbling in Virginia would normally take place in early May based on gobbling surveys taken before we started spring gobbler hunting. Peak gobbling typically would coincide with peak nest incubation. However, gobbling rates decline as the spring season progresses because of harvests and reduce gobbling due to hunting pressure."

Thank God I wasn't doing a birdwatching page with a section on swallows . . .


Blogger ziggi said...


I'm sure I don't know what you mean and I'm blowed if I even understand what you're on about ;o)

2:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Credit not blame. Smutmonger will feature on my CV if I ever have to do one.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Carmenzta said...

My gobbling peak came and went years ago...

3:09 PM  
Blogger jromer said...


3:32 PM  
Blogger Homo Escapeons said...


I know that Ben Franklin wanted the wild Turkey instead of the giant scavenging air rat known as the Bald Eagle as the national bird so maybe he knew more than we give him credit for.

I have been told that Turkeys are THE dumbest birds in the universe...what does that say about those well armed but poorly intentioned humans who are trying to outwit them ...
in any season.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

Actually, wild turkeys are extremely quick-witted and hard to shoot under th ebest conditions.

And, according to the Va. DGIF, they get more action than Monica Lewinsky . . .

4:04 PM  
Blogger The Michael said...

The turkeys down here are arrogantly easy to see during off season, but when the guns come out, they teleport back to their home planet.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Within Without said...

Ruffed grouses are among the dumbest birds on the planet, which apparently explains their ridiculously high reproduction rate.

I think you need to assign someone to do a huge feature takeout on turkeys and turkey hunting in advance of American Thanksgiving.

Or maybe you could write an editorial about it and almost be lynched by the hunting lobby?

7:58 PM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

I live near a national forest and favored ground for turkey hunters. At least once a year, someone driving near or though that area to their home gets some ballistic rash on their vehicle from some idiot turkey hunter.

8:24 PM  
Blogger Homo Escapeons said...

C'mon...Turkeys ain't smart but they do have awesome hearing and they are extremely skittish big assed birds with the IQ of an ashtray. That being said it would be a challenge for any drunk hunter all decked out in his camo costume to get frustrated at being unarmed in a battle of wits with such an impressive adversary as the wild turkey ...hey why not just start shooting at those 15 foot long bright blue 4ooo lb turkeys flyin' down the road at 50 miles an hour!

11:56 PM  
Blogger tom909 said...

Yes Fronty, looking forward to your next piece on the humble swallow old boy.
Thankfully in UK it is just a few upper clas knobs who somehow get pleasure from blasting wildlife with 'their big powerful guns'. Put the fuckers on equal terms I say - see if they can outwit a lion some time.

1:02 AM  
Blogger Miz BoheMia said...


Well, phew on my not understanding that or else I ain't a vegetarian for nothing! Dios mio!

Unfortunately the closest thing to a Brazilian anything in my life are Brazilian waxes and they hurt like a bitch!

1:15 AM  
Anonymous raincoaster said...

Turkey? Haven't you guys already got your hands full in Iraq?

8:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is gobbling a voib or noun? Hm. Or is it porn? I'm really not clear on the whole gobbling issue, Mr. Editor. Your post is unclear and the comments section hasn't helped much. I need clarification. Please.

HE, since you are a Cananadian, allow me to clarify the modern myth regarding Dr. Franklin and the Turkey. He did not want the Turkey to be our national symbol, he just wanted some Wild Turkey.

BTW... if you go to the home page of that site you have to enter your birth month, day and year. It states you have to be of legal drinking age to enter the site. Is this stuff so potent you can get drunk just reading about it? Gotta love lawyers.

According to (whoever the hell they are) wild turkeys, meleagris gallopavo, "The breeding season is in March and April. A male turkey will try to find a female flock to make his harem. To attract females, the male will gobble and strut, fanning out his tail. He will mate with several females in the flock." The dirty bird!

I wish I had read these sites on turkeys 20-something years ago. I never knew the damn'd things could fly until one day, driving Route 7 towards Vermont, one of the damn'd birds flew into my windshield and drove me off the road. When a State Trooper finally stopped to see if I was okay, he laughed when I told him what happened.


11:10 AM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

LE, now that I think about it, I may have gotten that passage from the White House tour guide for 1999.

12:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A government publication? Okay, that explains everything. You are forgiven. :D

4:52 PM  
Blogger Metro said...

Re. Outwitting:

The area I live in is saturated with quail. Occasionally some bright spark decides to try to hunt them from or with a car. This means that we support an unusual number of windshield and body shops for a town this size.

Birdwatching? Oddest thing, I saw a pair of lovely, I think they call them Ashcrofts where you are, the other day ...

By the way FE--you might enjoy this. Sound's a bit skiddy though.

7:14 PM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

My word, Metro! I've never seen . . . one like that before. I think I could watch . . . it for hours, not to mention seeing how it might react to my finger. And the thought of a pair of them? Still my beating heart!

11:35 PM  
Anonymous raincoaster said...

Turkeys cannot fly! Didn't you see that WKRP? Obviously some demented youngster simply threw it at your windshield.

And stands for Frontier CoPyeditor obviously.

8:29 AM  
Anonymous Laura Elizabeth said...

Raincoaster, that episode of WKRP is, by far, one of my favorites! I don't think those were the meleagris gallopavo - they were the other kind that don't fly. And thanks for explaining You are right, it is obvious, and I should have figured it out myself.

9:03 AM  
Blogger lee said...

sick, sick , sick... :)

10:05 AM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

Oh, the humanity!!!!!

11:09 AM  
Blogger gautami tripathy said...

I think I don't understand this either! Blame it on all that mathematics I keep doing!

12:26 PM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

Don't worry Gautami - the thought processes you've observed here are probably neither thought nor process.

But the WKRP reference above is still one of th ebest kept secrets of television humor in North America.

2:17 PM  
Blogger Metro said...

As I understand it, the Ashcroft's reaction to body parts in general is to cover them up.

Nesting behaviour of some sort perhaps?

You might be wise to wear gloves.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

You'd love this story.. Or at least the headline.

9:27 PM  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

That link didn't work. Try pasting this in.

9:29 PM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

I guess two of these in the hand beat . . . well, whatever >B^D>

10:01 PM  

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