The second best monkey joke I’ve ever heard

A man walks into a bar with a spider monkey on his shoulder. He orders a scotch, neat at the bar as the bartender gives the pair a suspicious look.
In a flash, the monkey jumps onto the bar, knocking over bowls of peanuts and popcorn, overturning a jar of pickled eggs and leaping onto a pool table where the monkey proceeds to eat the cue ball.

“Hey, the monkey’s destroying my bar and scaring my customers!” the bartender screamed. “Get him the hell out of here, now!”

The man collects the spider monkey, throws down a $50 bill and leaves.

A month later, the man returns with his monkey.

“I told you to stay out!” the bartender yells.

“Okay, okay, settle down,” the man says. “The monkey behaves now, and I’ll have a scotch, neat.”

The monkey jumps onto the bar again, wreaking havoc with the snacks, jumps onto a woman’s table, reaches in her Tom Collins for the cherry, sticks it between his furry monkey cheeks, and eats it.

“That’s disgusting!” the bartender yells. “What in God’s name is wrong with that longtailed monster?”

“I’m sorry,” said the man. “But after our last visit, he sizes everything he eats.”