Thursday, June 08, 2006

The second best monkey joke I’ve ever heard

A man walks into a bar with a spider monkey on his shoulder. He orders a scotch, neat at the bar as the bartender gives the pair a suspicious look.
In a flash, the monkey jumps onto the bar, knocking over bowls of peanuts and popcorn, overturning a jar of pickled eggs and leaping onto a pool table where the monkey proceeds to eat the cue ball.

“Hey, the monkey’s destroying my bar and scaring my customers!” the bartender screamed. “Get him the hell out of here, now!”

The man collects the spider monkey, throws down a $50 bill and leaves.

A month later, the man returns with his monkey.

“I told you to stay out!” the bartender yells.

“Okay, okay, settle down,” the man says. “The monkey behaves now, and I’ll have a scotch, neat.”

The monkey jumps onto the bar again, wreaking havoc with the snacks, jumps onto a woman’s table, reaches in her Tom Collins for the cherry, sticks it between his furry monkey cheeks, and eats it.

“That’s disgusting!” the bartender yells. “What in God’s name is wrong with that longtailed monster?”

“I’m sorry,” said the man. “But after our last visit, he sizes everything he eats.”

70 Comments:

Blogger Carmenzta said...

Fronty, I pre-groaned at your joke before I completely read it but it is hilarious!!!

11:15 AM  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

I don't get it.

9:33 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Is the comment thing working?

9:47 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Yay!

9:48 PM  
Blogger Martha said...

I get it, but don't really know what to say.

Butt plug.

2:18 AM  
Blogger tom909 said...

I think I get it but I'm not going to say in case I make a complete arse of myself.

5:21 AM  
Blogger tom909 said...

Do you know, I've just been thinking. I'm one of those people who've spent their whole lives laughing at jokes they don't get. I always wonder if the person that tells the joke can tell that I haven't got a fucking clue what's funny.

5:28 AM  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

I'm glad you edited that joke, editor. The original version was way too long and much grosser!

9:18 AM  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

I'm rather proud that I'm still not entirely sure what it's about - maybe I'm not entirely without hope after all

10:01 AM  
Blogger Carmenzta said...

That joke is actually very old. In Cuba (where I'm from) the monkey is at a zoo, sitting on a tree and two guys walk by and notice that it is grabbing fruit off the tree and putting the seed on its butthole before popping it in its mouth. They decide to ask the zookeeper who tells them that a few weeks prior to this the monkey had swallowed a mango and it had taken him three days to poop it out. Now he pre-measured his fruit. I got one word for you: OUCH.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

Thank you Carmentza for your faith in my sense of humor, and for the translation >B^D

Martha- Now you're supposed to say; "I got one for ya . . ."

Miss C: Brevity is the soul of wit ;^D

And for a windup:

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse tending bar.

The horse sees him staring and says "Hey, whatcha staring at? Never see a horse as a bartender before?"

The guy says; "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the bar."

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