Saturday, May 13, 2006

I just flew in from Vegas and boy are my arms tired . . . badadaBUM!

Putting out a paper is a real rush - you're rushed waiting for page dummies that come dragging in well after a reasonable deadline and then making deadline.

While pushing through that weekly 'routine,' I rediscovered several 'highlights' in life.

1) Exxon's retiring CEO didn't get his $400 million from price gouging - he got it from gas pump handles with no control whatsoever. Consistently in the past four months I've stopped the pump at the $X.99 mark and twitched the trigger just enough to see it stop grinningly at $X.01.

As one of the characters in that not-so-classic flick "Johnny Dangerously" put it: "Farking bastidges!"

2) My government really, truly does think I'm a moron. The National Security Agency is publicly busted for collecting tens of millions of phone calling records of domestic U.S. citizens, and our so-called President says, yet again, that there was no violation of U.S. laws against domestic spying.

Sidenote: Ever notice how the nominee for the CIA directorship, Michael Hayden, looks like Red from "That 70's Show"? I'm waiting for him to turn around on TV, look at us Americans, and blurt out, "dumbass."

3) Despite the fact that I am the father of a teenage boy (and a basically great kid who's getting the old man's and his mother's sense of humor), I think it's time to allow bounties to control the teen population in super Wal-Marts.

Nothing fatal, of course. Just a beanbag round to the butt, or a paintball in some really atrocious color, or a free whack to the head with a loaf of day-old Wal-Mart French bread. If it's an especially well-fed specimen, maybe pushing over an end cap of sodas on him.

Between the ones with no manners, the ones who stroll around like it's a remake of "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and the ones trying to show off their real or imagined gang props with amazing imitations of Kevin Federline, walking around trying to get some last-minute item is like trying to run a 99-yard touchdown pass.

And it's become contagious among older patrons. I had to take several 100-yard detours to get around family reunions spanning entire aisle widths last night.

And I'm surprised that we don't have more head-on collisions on America's highways, given that most Wal-mart patrons seem to forget the basic rule of drive on the right - not on the centerline or left - when going down aisles.

Just for fun, I was looking for a DVD last night and two teenage couples had decided to nest their social dialogue around an aisle rack. I started craning my head around the backside of one of the males to look at one side of the rack. After more than 60 seconds, his girlfriend noticed that I might actually be interested in the merchandise they were obstructing.

For the next five minutes, it was "lather, rinse, repeat" as I tried to examine all four sides of this rack before they finally decided that I was cramping their style and that they should find some other fire exit passage to block.

$50 per teenager, limit of one per hour per department . . . . should work.

4) See 3)

5) see 3) again, I'm thinking.


Blogger Pamela said...

And you said you're not funny!

5:29 PM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

But I was serious about the bounties . . .

8:19 PM  
Blogger jromer said...

as far as teens are concerned, i do not speak to (unless they are clients) anyone under the age of 28 years of age.

as far as johnny dangerously....


and yes, the government does think we are stupid. i cannot think of any other reason they are pulling off the stuff they're 'pulling off'

5:21 AM  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

I'd forgotten about 'iceholes.'

It'd be my luck that I'd shoot the kid whose brother is the DA . . .

8:50 AM  

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